


Culaccino

by merlypops



Series: Beautiful Words - 5SOS Stories [14]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by "Make You Feel My Love" by Adele, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Multi, No Smut, OT4, Sad with a Happy Ending, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 12:19:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2309414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Luke remembers thinking that all he’d have to do was take <i>one</i> more step forwards into nothing and then it would all be over.<br/>Luke remembers thinking that one little step should <i>not</i> have been so hard to take.'</p><p>
  <b>Luke wishes he was dead, but he wishes his three bandmates loved him back even more.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Culaccino

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ship_theboybands](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ship_theboybands/gifts).



> All I can do is apologise for this.  
> It's been kind of shit at the moment and just... I don't know... everything's been really hard and this is the only way I can get everything out and like... I don't know...  
> I was listening to " _Make You Feel My Love_ " by Adele on repeat when I wrote this so I guess you already know this is going to be angsty, if the tags didn't give that away already...  
> Enjoy! (I mean... I doubt you will but... enjoy... hopefully... please...)

**culaccino**

_the mark left on a table by a cold glass_

 

Luke Hemmings remembers when he realised how _easy_ it would be to end everything, and how he couldn’t get it out of his mind after that, not for _months_.

He remembers thinking that he wouldn’t even have to pull a trigger or swallow pills or _cut_ himself, remembers how that thought comforted him _very_ little as he walked slowly – _numbly_ – across the roof of the hotel the band was staying in.

He remembers how he came to a slow, unsteady stop on the edge and looked down, shuddering involuntarily as he saw the traffic and the people and the _life_ far below him, so tiny and faraway that it would have taken an _age_ to fall, and yet no time at all.

Luke remembers thinking that all he’d have to do was take _one_ more step forwards into nothing and then it would all be over.

Luke remembers thinking that one little step should _not_ have been so hard to take.

He remembers how it looked warm and sunny down on the ground, but how it was cold as _ice_ up there. Luke remembers how his heart was racing in his chest and he was half-blinded with unshed tears, and he remembers how he could see Ashton and Michael and Calum in his head, begging him not to do it, and Luke remembers how it didn’t make the slightest bit of difference because it was no more than he deserved anyway.

Luke remembers how, despite this, something stopped him.

He thought maybe it was how Ashton had told him his glasses were cute that first time they met after those mean kids had laughed at Luke, or the way that Michael triumphantly snuggled with Luke sometimes after he beat the younger boy at FIFA, or how Calum gave him cuddles and made him laugh with silly stories of home when the youngest boy felt homesick.

Or maybe it was just because Luke was in love with all _three_ of them and he’d never told any of them because it felt _wrong_ and he didn’t know how.

Luke remembers how _that_ was what had brought him up to the roof in the first place, when it all came down to it, because it would be an impossibility for amazing people like _them_ to love someone like _Luke_.

Luke remembers thinking that they were all _far_ too beautiful to have feelings him, feelings for someone who couldn’t even deal with their own emotions, who had to tear their own skin just to feel calm enough to get to _sleep_ at night.

Luke remembers how he shifted another millimetre forwards which maybe didn’t _sound_ like much but, to Luke, it was _dizzyingly_ far because it was just _that_ much closer to the end.

 _His_ end.

Luke remembers how the tips of his trainers were jutting over the edge now and Luke remembers being vaguely grateful that no one below had noticed him yet, let alone _recognised_ him.

Luke remembers how he was kind of hoping that this would be a quick job – he’d get scraped up before anyone could recognise him, the boys wouldn’t get any bad press, and then maybe they could just fade off into obscurity if they wanted or make up some weird rumour about where Luke was and carry on playing.

(Luke remembers how he _really_ hoped it was the latter because they didn’t deserve to have _their_ futures ruined by Luke just because he had run out of time.)

Luke remembers how he was pretty sure that they wouldn’t even _miss_ him.

He remembers thinking that he would be just like the mark left on a table by a cold glass.

There for a moment and then _gone_ , faded out of existence.

No one would remember Luke had been there in the end.

Not _really_.

He would be gone.

And that _was_ what Luke wanted…

Wasn’t it?

*

Calum remembers how he was beginning to get restless.

He remembers how he sat in the restaurant with his fingers drumming on the table top, and he remembers how Ashton tried for a weak smile as he pointed out that it sounded a lot like a ‘ _compound quadruple drum pattern_ ’ or something similar, and Calum remembers how Michael sat there looking morose as he scanned through Twitter on his phone, although his glazed green eyes indicated that he wasn’t really _seeing_ anything.

Calum remembers how he stopped drumming and slapped his open palm down on the table, clinging to the varnished wood like a lifeline because – _fuck_ – he felt like something was terribly, _terribly_ wrong but he _didn’t know what, damnit_!

He remembers when he looked up and saw the same thing echoed in Michael and Ashton’s shocked, wild eyes.

“I’m worried about Luke,” Calum remembers saying as he struggled to keep breathing calmly, despite the knot of panic he could feel tightening in his chest. “Can we go look for him? He was supposed to meet us here half an hour ago.”

Calum remembers how his blood ran cold when Michael dialled his number then and it went straight through to voicemail. He remembers how Ashton got to his feet so quickly that he spilt the last dregs of his coffee and then wasted precious moments apologising to the flustered waitress nearby who was insisting that she would clean it up herself, and Calum remembers how Michael apologised too and dragged Ashton away by the hand because Calum was already out of the door and running down the street, uncaring as to whether there were paparazzi around or whatever.

All he remembers thinking was that Luke was a _lot_ more important.

Calum remembers how he could see their hotel at the end of the road, a colossal building of grey stone with maybe sixteen storeys, and Calum remembers how all he could feel was _panic_ , even though he didn’t even know _why_.

He remembers how he happened to glance up then and came to such a sudden stop that Michael crashed into him from behind and he fell down hard, biting his lip and tasting blood as Michael let out a pained groan, even as he stroked the exposed skin of Calum’s hip in apology. Calum remembers stumbling to his feet, feeling a bit like he'd been hit over the head with something very, _very_ hard, as he helped Michael up too.

Calum remembers how all of that faded to background noise when he heard Ashton’s soft, choked: “Lukey, _no_ ” because he had looked up too and he had _seen_.

Calum remembers how it felt like the floor had dropped out from beneath his feet as Michael seemed to _sag_ beside him, clinging onto Ashton and Calum as he gazed up at Luke in horror, like they were the only things keeping him standing.

“We n-need to get up there,” Calum remembers gasping even as he spat blood, his eyes burning with tears. “ _N-now_.”

*

Ashton remembers how _hard_ his heart was pounding as the three of them thundered up the set of stairs in the hotel used solely in the event of an emergency, the metal steps clanging beneath their feet as they ran.

Ashton remembers how Calum’s bottom lip was bleeding and how Michael was limping a little from where he had fallen over, and Ashton remembers how his breathing was little more than ragged gasps as he contemplated the fact that maybe they would be too late to save Luke, that maybe he’d already jumped, or – perhaps even _worse_ – that he would see them and jump anyway, because _they_ were what had caused this or something equally unthinkable.

Ashton remembers how a sob bubbled out of his chest despite himself when they reached the last set of stairs and found that the door onto the roof was unlocked. Ashton remembers not knowing whether it was a sound of relief or not, and he remembers how Calum had already surged ahead as Michael stumbled along hesitantly behind him, and Ashton remembers how _hard_ that last climb was, remembers how tightly he had to grip the railing just to keep moving because whatever he was going to see at the top of those stairs was too terrifying to _contemplate_.

Ashton remembers how he heard _someone_ give a small exclamation of shock from above and Ashton remembers how even _more_ adrenaline flooded through him as he practically _flew_ the last few steps and hurtled out onto the roof, looking around wildly until he spotted Calum, Michael, and – _oh_ , thank god _,_ thank god, thank god – _Luke_.

Ashton remembers how Calum was standing about a metre away from him, his hands raised like he was approaching a frightened animal, and Ashton remembers how his tears boiled over and coursed down his flushed cheeks as Michael started to cry, clinging to Ashton like a frightened child as he stared at Luke in anguish.

Ashton remembers how Luke gazed at all three of them with so much fear and sadness and _love_ that it made Ashton’s chest hurt, and he remembers how Calum flinched and the way Michael’s breath caught in his throat, and Ashton remembers _knowing_ that they all felt exactly the same.

“Lukey,” Calum had said weakly, edging a little closer. He remembers stopping when Luke _froze_. “What are doing, mate?”

Ashton remembers how Michael shivered and clung to Ashton tighter, chewing his bottom lip hard between his teeth as Luke’s eyes – bluer than the sky around them but _so_ much dimmer nowadays – flickered across the three of them as he choked out: “ _C-can’t_ … _C-can’t d-do t-this_ … _‘m d-done_.”

Ashton remembers how Michael let go of him and the way Ashton stepped forwards, careful to keep his movements slow and cautious, and sat down on the edge of the roof a few metres away from Luke. He remembers how he fought to appear outwardly calm as he held Luke’s gaze and patted the spot next to him, trying for a faint smile which he was pretty sure came out wrong.

“Nah, mate, you’re not _d-done_ ,” Ashton remembers saying, and he remembers being vaguely surprised that his voice had only broken once in that sentence. “You’re just tired. And sad. C’mere. We can help. _Let_ us help.”

Ashton remembers how Luke looked like he was considering it before he let out a sob and turned away again, staring down at the ground far, _far_ below him as he tensed, almost like he was getting ready to throw himself over the edge. (Ashton remembers how his blood felt like ice in his veins then.)

Ashton remembers how Calum wilted slightly, even as he prepared himself to run forwards and catch Luke, and Ashton remembers how that wasn’t necessary, not in the end.

Ashton remembers how Luke gave this little choked sob and let himself fall _backwards_ , and Ashton remembers how it was _Michael_ that caught Luke in the end, that it was _Michael_ who held Luke close and cuddled him and fought not to cry as the blond boy twisted in his grip and clung to him.

Ashton remembers how, one minute, he and Calum were staring at each other with shock, their eyes locked, and then they were suddenly _there_ , with their arms wrapped around Luke and Michael, and their tears spilling down their cheeks as they all dropped kisses onto Luke wherever they could reach.

Ashton remembers how it was _Michael_ who asked the key question in the end, the one that made everything make a little bit more _sense_ , and Ashton remembers how much it _stunned_ him when he heard Luke’s answer.

“W-why’d y-you wanna d-do it, L-Luke?” Michael had gasped out and Ashton thinks he will remember Luke’s answer forever. (Spoiler alert: He does.)

“B-because I _l-love_ y-you. _A-all_ of y-you.”

Ashton remembers how Calum made a small, confused noise before saying: “We all love you too, Lukey” and Ashton remembers how Luke shook his head rapidly and gasped out his next words, looking more embarrassed than the oldest boy could ever remember seeing: “ _N-not like t-that_. I… I mean I… I _l-love_ all of you.”

Ashton remembers how Luke’s cheeks were flushed with humiliation, his eyes red from crying, his eyelashes spiky with unshed tears. Ashton remembers how Calum and Michael looked the same, and he remembers how his chest tightened in a different way because they were all so different, all so _beautiful_ , and he knew none of them saw it.

Ashton remembers when Luke’s words slowly sunk in, and he looked up at Calum and Michael in shock as Luke’s knees gave way and he crumpled down onto the roof, covering his face with his hands.

Ashton remembers how Michael and Calum were staring right back at him as they silently conversed, and Ashton remembers thinking that they all loved Luke, would do _anything_ for him, and how the three of _them_ loved each other too. He remembers thinking that maybe it wasn’t that big of a step really _anyway_ , and he remembers how Michael and Calum seemed to be thinking the same thing because, as one, they nodded.

Ashton remembers being certain that the next few months were going to be long and confusing and _hard_ but, in the end, it would be worth it, because Luke was still there with them, they would still all be best friends, and everything would work out in the end.

“We love you too, Lukey,” Ashton remembers saying softly and he remembers when Luke’s head snapped up to gaze at them all in turn as the tears rolled down his cheeks, and Ashton remembers how Calum sank down to his knees and gently wrapped his arms around Luke’s shoulders from behind, and he remembers how Michael knelt down too and pressed a small kiss to Luke’s cheek, and Ashton remembers how he sat down in front of Luke and held his gaze, shooting him the first real smile of the day, even if it _was_ a watery one.

“ _L-love you too_ ,” Ashton remembers Luke mumbling, looking a bit like his only dream had just come true, and Ashton remembers how much that _hurt_ , even as he took Luke’s smaller hands between both of his own and gave them a reassuring squeeze.

“Things are going to be okay, Lukey,” Ashton remembers promising him and the way Luke closed his eyes tightly then as his emotions crashed down on him like a tidal wave, making him short of breath. “You’re not on your own. You’ve _n-never_ been on your own. We’re here for you.”

“Always,” Michael had whispered as Calum held Luke tighter and spoke once more, the last word lingering in the silence that followed as the truth of the word slowly sunk in.

“ _Forever_.”

*

Luke remembers how, over the year that followed, things got better (for the most part.)

He remembers how most days were usually okay but how, _sometimes_ , things were so _hard_.

He remembers how, exactly a year after he had tried to… well… _fade_ , it was raining. He remembers how the skies outside were vast and empty and grey, and he remembers how the colourless void of the sky was _nothing_ compared to how the hole inside his chest felt on that day.

Luke remembers how it felt like he’d lost all hope again.

He remembers how he had stepped out onto the balcony of whatever hotel they were staying in that day – he had lost track somewhere along the way although he was _fairly_ certain it was in England somewhere – maybe twenty minutes earlier and he remembers how the rain was more _drifting_ than falling, like mist, the sort of rain that thoroughly _soaked_ without really being seen at all.

Luke remembers how he stood out there in his t-shirt and sweatpants, leaning against the cold metal barrier and just _breathing_ as the rain dampened his clothes and hair. He remembers when the glass door that led back into their room slid open and how, suddenly, a pair of warm arms wrapped around his waist as a chin came to rest on his shoulder.

Luke remembers when Calum pressed a soft kiss to his neck as Michael and Ashton appeared too, and Luke remembers how they all sort of piled on and snuggled close, and sure, it was a little uncomfortable in the rain with the cold metal pressing into them from the barrier, but Luke remembers thinking that he honestly couldn’t have asked for more somehow.

Luke remembers how Ashton seemed to be bouncing with excitement as Michael leant closer and murmured: “Come inside. We have something to show you.” Luke remembers how Michael’s hot breath ghosted over the shell of his ear and made him shiver, and how Ashton began to pull both of them into the warm room as Calum slid the door shut.

Luke remembers being surprised to find all of their instruments out – well, Ashton’s Cajon was present, not his drum kit, but that wasn’t exactly surprising – and Luke remembers how he made a small, surprised sound when Michael hesitantly pushed him down onto the bed and told him to get comfy.

Luke remembers how he shuffled back until he was resting against the headboard of the bed, remembers how he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them as he watched the three of them warily, _entirely_ unaware that they had been planning this moment for weeks.

(Luke remembers how much he cried afterwards and the way they all held him, and he remembers feeling like – maybe _finally_ – he was home.)

Luke remembers when Ashton began to beat out a soft, gentle rhythm on the Cajon as Michael and Calum began to play, and Luke remembers how his eyebrows rose slightly as he placed the song.

Luke remembers how soft and sweet Calum’s voice sounded as he sang the first verse: “ _When the rain is blowing in your face, And the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace, To make you feel my love_.”

Luke remembers how he blinked back tears then as Michael began to sing too: “ _When the evening shadows and the stars appear, And there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years, To make you feel my love_.”

Luke remembers how the tears began to roll down his cheeks as Ashton smiled softly at him before singing the next verse: “ _I know you haven’t made your mind up yet, But I would never do you wrong; I’ve known it from the moment that we met; No doubt in my mind where you belong_.”

Luke remembers how Michael and Ashton exchanged a loving glance which they quickly turned on Luke and Calum as the latter began to sing again: “ _I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue, I’d go crawling down the avenue; No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do, To make you feel my love_.”

Luke remembers covering his mouth with both hands to keep his sobs quiet as he stared at all three of them with so much love he looked almost _dazed_ with it, and he remembers how they all looked back at him in exactly the same way as their instruments were the only sounds in the room for a few moments.

Luke remembers when the music picked up and Michael began to sing louder, his voice clearer than usual and so _beautiful_ that it took Luke’s breath away. “ _The storms are raging on the rolling sea, And on the highway of regret; The winds of change are blowing wild and free; You ain’t seen nothing like me yet_.”

Luke remembers how it felt like the four of them were the only people in the world then, and he remembers how his heart was so full of love that it felt like it was going to burst.

He remembers how all three of them began to sing then, and he remembers how _perfect_ it was, like something out of a dream.

“ _I could make you happy, make your dreams come true; Nothing that I wouldn’t do; Go to the ends of the Earth for you, To make you feel my love_.”

Luke remembers how they all looked at him hopefully then as the song slowly came to an end, and he remembers how his heart rate picked up when he realised that they wanted him to sing the last line.

Luke remembers not wanting to for a moment, remembers feeling too _shy_ which was ridiculous because it felt like he’d been in love with them _forever_ by this point, and Luke remembers how _poignant_ the last line sounded as the notes trailed away into silence.

“ _To make you feel my love…”_

Luke remembers how he crumpled then, curling up on the bed even tighter than he already had been and feeling utterly pathetic because they’re just done the most _beautiful_ thing for him and all Luke could do was cry about it, since that was probably all he was good for, at least by Luke’s way of thinking.

Luke remembers expecting them to sigh with disgust and stalk off, just like he _always_ did, and he remembers how, once again, they proved him wrong.

He remembers how Ashton lay down and pulled Luke up gently so that he was lying on his chest, and Luke remembers how Calum lay down on the left, Michael on the right, and he remembers how all of their arms wrapped around him and how it felt a bit like they were holding him together.

He remembers how _someone_ leant over to kiss him gently and he remembers thinking it might have been Calum, just _because_.

Luke remembers how Michael’s tears were soaking into the sleeve of his shirt as Ashton nuzzled closer, pressing kisses to the back of Luke’s neck, and Luke remembers how he was kissed again – _definitely_ Calum – and the way a hand stroked his cheek gently for a moment before Luke pulled back to _breathe_.

“D-don’t know what I d-did to d-deserve you t-three,” Luke remembers breathing, blinking back tears as they all held him tighter in response.

Luke remembers how Calum kissed his cheek and Ashton made a small, sad sound as he pressed his lips to Luke’s neck again, and Luke remembers how all of that – when combined with Michael’s next words – only made him cry harder.

“You were just _you_ , Luke,” Michael had promised, (and Luke remembers how, later, Ashton had told him that a truer statement had maybe never been spoken before. Luke remembers how Calum had agreed with a watery smile on his face as he held Luke close.) “That was more than enough.”

“Always _will_ be enough,” Ashton had said and Luke remembers how Calum’s last word was the same as… as _before_ … and Luke remembers how that felt fitting somehow.

“ _Forever_.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what I was thinking. This is kind of really awful and I don't even know if I want to keep it up and I'm just kind of sad so like... I don't know... I hope this wasn't too awful and that you don't regret reading it or whatever...  
> I don't know...  
> Leave comments and kudos if you like.  
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
